A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger
than your brother's."

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

Here in LA you can tell when someone is eating the hot Mexican food because they start sweating Botox. –Craig Ferguson

Tiger Woods being interviewed at The Players Championship, “Once I find a certain shaft, I mean, certain shafts fit at different lengths. They feel great. I mean, the shaft I use at the Masters is great. One length of shaft I’ve used now is at a different length. So, it’s one of the experiments and once you find one that works, it’s pretty great.”

"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore." —Bill Maher