Top Five Tweets More »

Hey imbecile, just because you are listening to loud music on your iPod, doesn't mean that the rest of the supermarket can't hear you fart.
If I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
I got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I forgot to put on deodorant today but not to worry, if this urinal cake is good enough for the bathroom then it's good enough for me.
Lady Gaga: "People should look nice all the time." "Nice" = "If an alien did meth and had a baby with a satellite dish."

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Top Five Texts More »


Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?


last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.


Puberty is gonna hit Justin Bieber harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna!


I asked a girl if I could buy her a drink, she said she had a boyfriend, So i said, well I have a goldfish, She said what? I replied oh im sorry, thought we were talking about shit that doesn't matter.


Ricky Martin IS gay. You owe me $5 from 6th grade.

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Top Five Videos More »

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Top Five Jokes More »


A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger
than your brother's."


Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!


Here in LA you can tell when someone is eating the hot Mexican food because they start sweating Botox. –Craig Ferguson


Tiger Woods being interviewed at The Players Championship, “Once I find a certain shaft, I mean, certain shafts fit at different lengths. They feel great. I mean, the shaft I use at the Masters is great. One length of shaft I’ve used now is at a different length. So, it’s one of the experiments and once you find one that works, it’s pretty great.”


"The plan is to contain the oil slick with fire-retardant beams, and then set fire to the oil that pools on the surface. They say if it works there in the Gulf, they're going to try it on the cast of Jersey Shore." —Bill Maher


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Top Five CelebrityTweets More »

When I go on dates I ask for separate checks. I still pay for everything, I just want her to see what it would've cost her.
It is very hard to flirt with a girl at the drugstore who is buying a pregnancy test. I see that now.
"Wanna listen to The Grateful Dead?" "No, I'm just gonna make myself dizzy then linger by this fat guy's armpit.
I'm a simple man. I start every day with a cup of joe, the morning paper, and a lavender Pan-Asiatic body scrub from my man-servant, Lobo.
My muffin hasn’t had a cherry since 1939—from SNL skit

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